Nothing ever changes

I don't know why I'm doing this post, be it whether I'm im on alcohol or not... I'm feeling kinda emotional. I miss you, A. I wonder... All these time, how is it that you can go on without remembering everything. Probably because you were my first love? I can't forget you completely. It's already a year since we've parted. I don't get how these feelings stay, and they haunt me at night. I feel so upset at times... Why did we end. You were the only one I felt most comfortable with. The only one who would give in to me with your unconditional love. Seeing you share the love you once had for me to someone else... It's a really complicated whirl of emotions. At times I feel really happy for you. She's so lucky to have you. But at times.. Deep down I wished it was me you're holding on to. Why is it when we've both matured then I realized things could have been much better. I was childish... And I never knew losing you would cause this emptiness in me. I want to turn back time but I do know it's too late. Every night I think about you before I sleep. When I look through my private albums of me and you on facebook, I'm heartbroken. I miss your smile, your hugs and kisses, I miss you telling me how much I mean to you. If I could have one wish, I would always wish for happiness. But did it ever occur to you that you're the one who made me most happy? Everytime I go somewhere, memories flood back. We've been everywhere. I want to go new places with you. I want to travel overseas with just you. Wasn't that what we planned before? Sigh. We've watched each other grow together.. And grow apart... I really want things back but it's not the time to regret now because we both know nothing's gonna change. Fuck that night. If only I went back to the Prata house. If only I didn't bus home. If only my anger didn't get the best of me. I miss calling you baby. I miss seeing you when I wake up. Although I always complain about not having a fairy tale relationship with you.. It's just words. Inside, I know you're the guy I will never want to live without. It aches so much to see that you've moved on. I thought maybe I could do this. But I realized I can't. I can't change anything now... All I can do is watch our videos and see our pictures. 18 is still a v prominent number in my life. My first love at that age, my favourite date since 180608, the only two freaking numbers that can bring such a big impact on me whenever I see it. When people say stuff like "Nobdy can replace him in my heart blablabla" I always thought it was crap until I experienced it myself. Trying to forget you for the past year... And NOTHING WORKS. Strangers again.... And we walk past each other like we've never seen each other before, but I spent the biggest part of my life with you. Funny how things changes. Funny how I feel I can never find someone else like you. I tried.... But you're irreplaceable. I hope one day I'll be able to move on like how you're doing so fine now. I miss you A. We would have been 4 years plus by now. If I ever have you back in my life.. You would be my biggest treasure. Well, if is just a fucked up word. Till then I'll just wait till this feelings fades. I hope it's soon... Cuz missing you... Is very hard for me. I'm still in love with you. Alvin Toh.